In my continuous efforts and campaigning against Abuse, I do extensive research that leverages many articles and opinions from colleagues and professionals within the mental health field.
However, when I read those articles and do that research, I feel directly connected to the text as I’ve experienced every word myself. This helps me to understand how important personal experiences are, as I can speak more viscerally with my clients as I’ll be able to express empathy rather than provide an answer from a book. When I work with my clients, I try to understand their view point and whether they share those similar experiences.
One of the central points of my work revolves around the topic of being in a toxic/abusive relationship, nevertheless, being a victim of a narcissist. It’s important to identify the definition of narcissistic behavior first. Though my work is more human and empathetic, I’ll refer to the dictionary definition of narcissistic behavior as it’ll portray a universally accepted explanation.
“Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.” – www.mayoclinic.org – Nov 18, 2017
“They’re not always as obvious as you might think. That’s because domestic abuse is about controlling someone’s mind and emotions as much as hurting their body. Being abused can leave you scared and confused. It can be hard for you to see your partner’s actions for what they really are. Usually, physical abuse isn’t what comes first. The abuse can creep up slowly. A putdown here or there. An odd excuse to keep you away from family or friends. The violence often ramps up once you’ve been cut off from other people. By then, you feel trapped.” By William Moore – Medically Reviewed by Smitha Bhandari, MD on March 17, 2022 – https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/mental-domestic-abuse-signs
Having refreshed all of the above, let’s talk about
“How to Break Up with a Narcissist”
The amount of time that you’ve spent in a toxic relationship and the degree of toxicity is directly proportionate to the work you will have to put in to detox and walk away. It’s not an easy task unless you get the proper professional help, remembering that if you recognize that you’ve gotten to such a toxic point, you are ready to walk away. Some signals/red flags that let you know it’s time to walk away include, but are not limited to:
• Being physically and mentally abused
• Being controlled by your partner.
• Being embarrassed, overwhelmed, or rejected.
• Experiencing persistent anxiety or depression
• Your partner is excessively possessive.
• You’ve withdrawn from friends and family.
• You have thoughts of self-harm.
Yet, if you want to work alone on this, which I don’t recommend, these are few ideas to start with:
1. Make a List – list all the pros (reasons to stay in the relationship) and cons (reasons to leave). Be detailed in your list and write it down somewhere visible so you can easily reference it. Include the impact of any decision you take, specifically the impact it’ll have on your wellbeing presently and in the future.
2. Have Some “Me” Time – make some time for yourself to step away and doing activities that empower you (i.e. exercising, going for a walk, going to the beach, talking to a friend).
4. When memories of the “good times” invade your mind, switch to all those that brought you to this point.
5. Get help from a mental professional or search for a support group. You may also talk to a friend that acknowledges the situation and is willing to be your “sponsor” when you need to talk about your thoughts of returning to the relationship once you’ve left.
6. Don’t start a new relationship thinking that it will help you to heal from the previous one. You won’t be ready for a new relationship until you detox from the previous one. It is also not fair for a new date and also, you won’t fully know what you are walking into as your head will still be stuck on that previous relationship. Take time to be by yourself, to heal. Regain that love for yourself that you lost by being carried away in an abusive relationship.
7. Never forget AN ABUSER IS ALWAYS AND WILL ALWAYS BE AN ABUSER. Run as fast and far as you can! (Unless he/she is willing to get treatment and you see a constant improvement.) However, make sure that the help they seek for themselves is consistent and not a ploy to reel you back in – a very common move that an abusive, narcissistic person will make.
Remember, you are responsible for the amount of power you give to the abuser. You are the only one that has the power to stop the abuse. DON’T BE A VICTIM. STOP THE VICIOUS CIRCLE!
I am always here for you. Don’t feel embarrassed to contact me. I have been in your shoes, so I know how you feel. www.pattybellerlifecoach.com
Patty Beller 